Dear Dumb Candy,

Two candies lived side by side.

One candy was very stupid.

The other candy was very dumb.

The stupid candy often thought he could forge ahead.

The dumb candy would follow him.

How silly these two candies were.

But ignorance is bliss,

And at least they had each other.

The End.

Inspired by my one and only Sweetie – my candy, my wrapper, and the mouth who loves me most. I love you dearly. The bitter and the sweet.


Stupid Candy


Lift ’em Up

Hot Air Balloon InventorHe wanted to help them look down on the tallest rooftop.

So he cut back on sleep and used his bedsheets to construct a balloon.

He didn’t waste any hot air promising the people. It was all put into the balloon.

After decades of crashes and complaints, he finally created the first hot air balloon safe enough for others to ride.

Watching from the ground, he never felt higher.



Fake News

Reporter Lady

Ext. A beach town reminiscent of Puerto Rico. A female reporter faces the camera, mic in hand.


How would it feel to turn 1 thousand dollars, into 1 million dollars? Even better, how would it feel to do that before the age of 30? That’s exactly what local resident Derek Feign did this last year by trading crypto currency.

We cut to the same reporter conducting a previously recorded interview with Derek Feign inside his home. Derek is a young, surfer type. Derek is showing the reporter his surfboards, his audio is faint in the back as narration is in the forefront.

I got this board for the days where I’m just riding easy rollers. I got this…

Derek Feign. 28 years old. College drop out. Millionaire.

Audio Fade in reporter and Derek.

And you bought all these surfboards using crypto currency?

Pretty much, I mean like I didn’t walk into the surf shop and buy this long board with Tron. I cashed out when Tron was at .22 and used the USD for the board. But like, those earnings came from Tron.

Cliche trading charts, graphs and coin symbols cover the screen.


Tron is a popular crypto currency. One of hundreds of digital coins that Derek bought back in 2017 and sold earlier this year for a pretty digital penny.


So let’s back up, how’d you get into crypto currency in the first place?

Poker. I was playing on this site that used bitcoin way back when bitcoin was only a few bucks.

DEREK is now sitting at his computer, clearly winning/losing money at something.

DEREK (continued)

And like, I had a couple hundred bitcoins in there and just never bothered to cash out and then one day my buddy called me up and was like


DEREK (Continued)

“Broo, have you checked your poker stash lately?” And that’s when I looked and bitcoin had mooned to like a couple thousand dollars a coin and that’s when I was like, ohhhh, I should pay attention to this.

Footage of Derek showing the reporter EtherRoll (rather than a trading platform), faintly in the background you hear him talking about how ‘you make your own luck.’


And pay attention he did. Not only to Bitcoin, but to alt coins, which means any digital currency other than Bitcoin. Many of these digital currencies rose in value by as much as 10000% percent over the course of last year, only to come crashing back down.


And how’d you know when to take your winnings and get out?


Honestly, like, I just knew or something. Like to use a simile, I could feel this wave might end,

Cut to Derek paddling out into the waves on a foam board.

DEREK (Continued)

and like if I didn’t jump off now, I would ride it for too long and have to paddle all the way back out past the breakers again, so I don’t know, I just bailed, ya know?

Cut to Derek shakily riding a foam board on a small wave.


And I’m glad I did because now I can just keep surfing.

Back to our reporter in real time, addressing the camera with the mic.

REPORTER (chuckles)

While Derek may have retired from Blockchain, many top tier firms and technology experts have not. Despite falling prices, the consensus among experts is that the initial price run up was caused by unnatural hype and speculation from people like Derek. Now that things have returned to normal, speculators have exited the space and the true blockchain revolution is about to begin.

Table of anchors at local news desk.

Thank you Andrea. And up next, how a local woman found baby chickens in her underwear.


Hungover: The Potion in The Pit

The potionsHe wanted to be a hero, but he lacked a special potion.

Luckily, there was a potion in the pit and a potion on the hill.

The pit seemed easier, so he tied one end of the rope to a tree stump and the other end of the rope to his ankle and lowered himself down into the pit.

Unluckily, the further he descended, the lower the potion in the pit would sink. It was always just out of reach.

Luckily, he realized he would never truly grasp the potion in the pit and began to make the now even longer ascent up the hill.


Funny Papers

Waiving Cats

Ext. Dawn. A Funny Papers quietly hits the front door.

Title Screen: Funny Papers

Int. Sunrise. Like every morning, the computer calls – wake up! wake up!

Our protagonist stumbles over and shuts off the alarm. The computer immediately switches over to an inbox of 193 unread, URGENT emails. Coffee slides into her hand.

As she sits down to answer them, a gust of wind pushes open the front door – revealing the flapping Funny Papers. Comics blowing in the breeze, characters shining in the sun.


(calling out from the flapping page of the funny paper)

Hey! What’s you always staring at that screen for?


Yeah! Is you tied to that chair or something? How comes you never come out here and play no more?

The pages flip through – every page in the bundle is a comic, no normal news articles – they all call out as their page blows by.


Yeah, come out and play, come out and play, come out and play…

Just beyond the Funny Papers, a child sits, drawing with chalk on the ground.  To her delight, her scribbles come alive one by one and dance about her.

Our protagonist wants to join and begins to meekly shut her computer. A buzzer sounds. The screen flashes red. Urgent! Urgent!

She flips it back open. Ready to work. But wait. NO! They can’t bully her to stay behind her computer. She resolutely decides to shut down her computer. She makes an exaggerated gesture to shut it down and.., Wow, what’s this.

A flashing green email. Congratulations! She got a promotion. More money. Money! Money! Money!

We dance through the dreams of her adult head. Cocktail parties, fancy dresses,  diamond rings, nice cars, respect! Her name in the paper. The paper! The Paper! The paper…. it’s all so boring and grey. No comics anywhere.

She’s suddenly trapped in a cell. Surrounded by meaningless numbers, divided by decimal points.  The headline reads, “This Is All Make Believe” Sub-headline, “And Everyone’s Buying It!”

Int. Sunrise. Wake up! Wake Up! Calls the computer. Our protagonist opens her eyes and stumbles over to the computer, turning off the alarm. Coffee slides into her hand. Her computer reads 27 emails. Not bad… until more begin to ping in faster and faster.  Heart sinking…

There’s a thump at the door. She looks over and feels hope. She looks back to her computer. 42 emails and counting… She takes a deep breath and shuts the screen. As she folds the computer in on itself a final explosion of noise and doubt rings out, buzzers flash, promotions fly in.

Closed! Silence.

Our protagonist looks around and slowly walks to the door and opens it. A newspaper sits, bundled up on the stoop.

She bends down, and picks it up. She glances at a few repulsive headlines, passing them quickly to find the Funny Papers. She discards the rest of the newspaper and steps outside. The door shuts and our protagonist walks away into the morning sunlight, giggling at the Funny Papers.


Death of a Pirate

Pirate Ship Writing

I’m writing this from a pirate ship, but I’m not a pirate nor do I know how to write.

Wait, what? I’m writing right now, and, Ah!, what’s this eyepatch!? What type of whacky world is this?

“So ye don’t think ye’s a pirate do ya?” Squawks a pirate parrot somewhere off in my blindspot, “Then why’s ye wearing that eye patch?”

The pirate parrot has a point, and I guess he can read too because I’m only writing this, not speaking it out loud, and yet he still called me out.

I turn to reveal him from the darkness of my missing eye. Wait, am I really missing an eye or is my perfectly healthy eye just covered? It’s time to uncover my eye cover and see if I can see.

I’m going to do it in 3… 2…

“Wait, let me help you with that darling,” says a beautiful belly dancer in a jingly gold dress.

This is great. Now that she’s coming over to take off my eyepatch, my hands are free to continue writing out these events as they happen.

She’s walking over and…

“Stop right there!” Says my 6th grade English teacher to the beautiful belly dancer in the jingly gold dress.

Mr. Marchado is now turning toward me, “Why’d you start this story saying you didn’t know how to write?”

“I don’t know,”  I write in response.  (Hey, Mr. Marchado, quick question. Should I have put ‘I don’t know’ in quotation marks? Technically a character was responding, but it was me, the narrator, who was writing a response as opposed to speaking it.)

Mr. Marchado isn’t looking at my paper anymore so I guess I’ll never know the answer to the “I don’t know” quotation dilemma.

Instead, Mr. Marchado is looking at Kooky Old Purple Beard who just burst through the door and is coming straight toward me sneering,

“Why do ye care if ye can write when ye could be a pirate and plunder all the riches in the South Sea?”

“Oh well, it’s because” Before I can finish writing him my response Kooky Old Purple Beard snarls, “I can’t read!”

I’ll tell him out loud…

“That’s a great answer,” replies Kooky Old Purple Beard, “but is it good enough to keep ye away from wanting this?” The pirate holds up the most precious plastic purple pollywog I’ve ever seen.

“Oh my!” Swoons the beautiful belly dancer in the jingly gold dress. “What a precious plastic purple pollywog!”

The belly dancer seems to be in a trance. But I don’t blame her. I might go touch the pollywog. It looks pretty awesome.

“Don’t touch the pollywog!” Cries Mr. Marchado.

“Hey Mr. Marchado! Are you looking at my paper again?” <—(If so, should that be in quotations?)

“Yes, I’m looking down at your paper, and I don’t know if that should be in quotations! However, I do know that you should not touch or even look at the precious plastic purple pollywog. See, if you fixate on the pollywog it takes all of your youth so that it can remain a pollywog and, in turn, you turn into a frog.”

“I’m going to go touch the pollywog.” (and stick with the quotations)

—— 20 seconds pass ——

Woahhh. That was terrible and crazy. Let me give you a recap of the last 20 seconds because I was away from my paper and couldn’t write it down.

Basically, after I said I was going to go touch the precious plastic purple pollywog I stood up and got super sucked into a pollywog pirate trance (hence I wasn’t writing.)

Mr. Marchado dove forward to rescue me, knocking the precious plastic purple pollywog overboard, but not before Kooky Old Purple Beard stabbed Mr. Marchado with his sword and then dove overboard to chase the precious plastic purple pollywog.

Naturally, I’m very upset right now, but I must carry on. See, right before Mr. Marchado slipped his dying body overboard into the sea he called out, “Never stop writing!”

So to report on some good news, it seems the beautiful belly dancer in the jingly gold dress is coming out of her trance and doesn’t seem to remember anything that has taken place in the last couple minutes, including the murder.

Also, the parrot from the beginning of the story who provoked all of this is now sleeping peacefully with his head tucked beneath his feathers. I guess belly dancers, and pirates and magical pollywogs, and even murder wasn’t exciting enough for him.

“So where were we?” Says the beautiful belly dancer in the jingly gold dress, “Ah yes, let’s remove that eyepatch of yours and prove that you’re no pirate.”

The beautiful belly dancer in the jingly gold dress is standing right behind me.

“Aww you think I’m beautiful?” She asks.

Embarrassing. She can read… and is beautiful.

“Indeed. Let’s take that eye patch off in 3… 2… 1…”

Peripheral vision! Eye! Eye! I’m not a pirate at all. This is great news.  From now on, I’ll have two eyes open to watch the whacky ways of this world, and I’ll write it all down in honor of Mr. Marchado!

“Sounds like a plan, but for now why don’t you take a break?” asks the even-more-beautiful-now-that-I-can-see-her-with-both-eyes belly dancer in the jingly gold dress.

“It will be tough to write with both your arms wrapped around me,” She says.

Ok gotta put down the pencil now. See you all tomorrow!

The Backseat

Riding in the backseat doodleThe backseat was scary. He was used to driving, or at least riding shotgun.

He wasn’t scared they would lose control, or even that they’d leave him at a gas station one day when he went in for a soda. (At least that would force his hand.)

No, what scared him was that when they made it, he’d feel even worse about himself. That he’d look back on the entire trip as a waste of time.

The car was going places though, so perhaps he could find a way to feel useful and enjoy the ride.

Be Where Now?

Un Zen Drier Talking on the phone

“He kept saying, ‘Be Here Now’ and when I asked, ‘Be where now?’ He kept giving me those stupid answers like, ‘The only place you can be, here and now.’

I bought his book and everything. Nothing!

It pisses me off, because I’m genuinely putting in a lot of effort to become enlightened and stuff.’

Zen Listener On Other End of Phone

“Ohh Hmm, have you ever tried imagining an arc of positive energy running from the middle of your forehead, down through the center of your skull, opening your throat as it passes into your chest, where it then expands to form an inner cage of positivity that stops your worries, wants and fears from bubbling up to the surface?”

Connecting Within Diagram

“Hey, I’m here now. I gotta go. I’ll call you back once I’m out.”

Zen Center Special